diary

04/07/25

I think Ive discovered a new depth of what its like to feel absolutely miserable. Id kill for coffee right now, and its nine-thirty at night. Ive always had absurd control over myself, so a thought like that(which for me is certainly out of the ordinary)scares me a little. I left home at ten in the morning and got back at seven at night. That is a good amount of time. Im not used to not having time to do everything I want to do. Im not used to having free time in such a dire shortage as I do now. Its like my nerves are about to snap and I hate it. Im hungry but I wont eat anymore. I wish I was sleeping, but Im not. I could finish my reading tomorrow but Im going to finish it today. Thats control. Control over whats futile, but its control. Control is one of the practices that most elevates a human being to perfection, or madness, or both. And it helps me sleep peacefully. Talking about everyday life, or rather, thinking about talking about it, is enough to bore me. I wont limit myself to that. You cant limit a soul to its daily life, especially those who are busy studying or doing something they dont like in a place they despise. Peoples judgment is generally weak, they dont hold themselves back. Im not going to reduce myself. I want to learn. More and more and more. I want my head to swell with so much content. I think that if I continue like this, I might end up like Don Quixote or something like that. Less playful, I imagine. At the same time, the more I mature and learn, the more stupid the people around me seem to become. Curious, sad even. But I wont sink into mediocrity like so many others. I wont. (I translated this one with Google, so i truly apologize if some sentences are not pretty clear. On my next records i will write without the translator, like i am doing in this parentheses. i apologize again for the grammatical errors TwT )

04/08/25

What a long day. Looong. Today I did finish reading The Divine Comedy. Its a beautiful, beautiful book. I wonder how someone can have such a great mind as Dante's. What wonderfull images he put inside my head. I felt in heaven even while reading the Hell part. Such a shame i cant be home all day readying marvelous books like this one...I hate that i need to go out everyday, having to talk to people, mostly of them i do not respect. Sometimes having insomnia is good, because in the small hours i have a lot of free time. My dark circles grow deeper and darker everyday lol

04/12/25

(Another text I translated using Google Translate) Today I woke up at four with the impression that I had already seen the time and that it was five in the morning, twice. I also had the impression that I had gotten up to get water. My bottle is empty and it is now 4:30. Suddenly, I woke up more strongly, I actually checked the time. A wave of incoherent thoughts invaded my mind until I remembered something I used to do, I believe even routinely, but that only today the scene appeared in my mind. I was lying in my parents' bed. My father is not in the picture. He is never in my childhood memories, except for those of walks through the city center and going to bars. The room looked so beautiful with those blinds closed. The morning sun hit them head on and directly through them, the sand-colored walls became warmer. Round, tanned child's hands that I used to pull my mother up from the bed too, when she was going to wake me up. She gave in and fell slightly. Laughter. I sat up in bed, breathless. Good times, pure times. I remember one day asking her to bury me with my stuffed hippo. I don't remember exactly why. I don't think I knew even then. Could it be that I had wanted to die young since I was little? Or had the idea always troubled me?